Attack of the Weezels!
by Jack0fHearts87
Summary: When Zim finds out about a deadly new Earth creature, it's once again up to Dib to save humanity! Can he stop the evil Irken in time, or will Zim finally win in his mission to destroy the Earth?
1. A Wretched Lesson

Tuesday. Gaz hated Tuesday. Most of the idiot whiners at the Skool whined that Monday was the worst, but they were stupid; what did they know? On Mondays, you could still hope that it was the weekend. But by Tuesday, you knew it wasn't.

"So as I was saying,"

Gaz's teeth screeched in annoyance. Her stupid brother Dib's voice made her so- angry. It filled her with a rage that could-

"I think I saw something on the probes NASAPLACE sent to Pluto! I think Zim might be trying another one of his evil schemes like he did on Mars. If only I could get to-"

He was interrupted as Gaz shoved him into a puddle on the side of the road. "Be quiet." She ordered.

"Yes!" Dib said excitedly, "Good thinking Gaz! With this water covering me, there's no _way_ that Zim can touch me when I interrogate him about Pluto! When I see him in lunch- Man, am I going to do… something!"

Gaz silently raged as they waited on the bus. Gaz thanked the Almighty Piggy that she was in a different class than Dib. That way, she didn't have to listen to his stupid voice all day.

An hour later- he could tell by how far the sun had moved, Dib sat in class. He was first in his row- a sign of superiority he felt- though there was a flaw in his perfection. The last seat next to the door was filled by the greatest threat to the Earth; greater than even a massive swarm of vampire guinea pigs- _Zim._

Dib leaned forward, eyeing the empty seat. _Where are you? _He wondered _Probably off plotting some evil scheme to destroy us all._

_I should do something! _He responded, _But; why am I talking to myself again? Never mind! I have to save the Earth! Only I know how to outwit-_

"Dib!" the teacher, Miss Bitters, snapped, "Sit down!" The boy was standing on his desk, posed like a superhero with his fist in the air.

"Sorry Miss Bitters," Dib said in an unnervingly chipper voice as he sat down, "I was just wondering why Zim was late again."

Bitters growled at the annoying student as the bell rang. "Class!" she snapped, "Open your text books and turn to page five-hundred and sixty-two. Today you will be learning the necessary skill of curing moose bites with a stick of spearmint gum.

Dib opened the tattered book, the sound of Miss Bitters' lecture droning into the distance of his mind. As he thought of countless horrible plans that Zim was cooking up, the green alien marched into the room.

Miss Bitters dragged the chalk in her grip sharply across the board, snapping around to point at the interruption. "Zim! You're three minutes late!" she shouted.

"Sorry, Miss Bitters," Zim said as he snapped an out-of-place salute, "I missed the bus-transportation and was forced to walk in this WRETCHED heat."

"That's no excuse," Bitters sneered, "When I missed the bus, I had to fight through fifteen yards of rabid weasels and ferrets!"

Zim sat in his seating-unit, pondering this new threat; Wee-zels. He would have to find a suitable specimen and study it later. Perhaps they were the key to destroying this pathetic rock. A datapad appeared on Zim's wrist- one of the many mighty tools trusted to Invaders.

Dib eyed Zim curiously as the datapad disappeared. "You know," he said, "Anyone who watched you in class would notice that you never take notes…" he observed.

"Insolent squealy Dib!" Zim screamed, "I simply- memorize it." He grinned sheepishly to the class.

Zita blinked a few times at Dib's outburst. "Uh, duh," she said, "No one takes notes."

'But Zim never shows up for tests!" Dib objected, "How is he still here? I bet he doesn't even have a brain!"

"Hey!" a classmate shouted, "Are you saying that Jellyfish-boy shouldn't be here either?" Behind the student, a Jellyfish wearing a backpack sobbed bitterly as Sara comforted him.

"Okay…" Dib said, "That's not what I meant,"

The bell rang again, Miss Bitters breaking from her lecture. "Go home now!" she yelled. The class migrated quickly outside, Dib stopping on the stairs as he watched Zim march off.

_What are you up to? _He wondered. Gaz showed up next to him, playing her Game Slave 2. "Gaz!" he shouted, "I need your help finding out what Zim-"

"Who cares," she interrupted, "You're both stupid."

She wandered off, leaving Dib on the steps.

"Good idea Gaz! You guard the house while I find out what Zim is up to!" he took off from the school, running after Zim.

_Author's Note: This is the first comedy/Zim FF that I've ever written. I'll write more as it comes to me, but for now feel free to let me know what you think!_

_Spartan R41, bugging out._


	2. Information!

Zim marched into his home, the gnomes' eyes glowing red as they defended the mightiest fortress the Irken army had ever seen. "Welcome home, son!" his father-drone said excitedly.

As Zim glared in annoyance at the robot, the mother-drone wheeled up holding a steaming plate. "We made ya cookies huney!" she announced as she shoved a handful of the disgusting earth-food into his mouth. Zim sputtered and spat the mess from his mouth, shoving the robots into the closet.

"Gir!" he snapped.

The tiny robot launched from the kitchen, latching onto Zim's face. "I made the cookies! Mee!" it announced proudly.

"Enough talk, Gir," Zim ordered as he shoved the robot to the floor, "I've just learned of a HORRIBLE new Earth-monster; a wee-zel."

"Oooo!" Gir said in excitement.

"I'm going down to the lab to learn where these wee-zels live," the Invader announced, "You keep the house safe and make sure nothing goes wrong."

Zim marched to an end-table, the furniture rising up to reveal an elevator to his amazing lab below.

Gir sat on the floor, his tongue sticking out of his blissfully ignorant smile. Suddenly he leapt to his feet, waving his arms in excitement. "I'm gonna bake more cookies!" he shrieked as he ran for the kitchen.

Down below the house, Zim searched for information on the wee-zels. "Computer!" he shouted, "Give me information on these wee-zels. Information, GIVE IT TO ME!"

The computer sounded bored. "A weasel is a small Earth mammal that lives in forests."

"Ah," Zim seemed pleased by this menial amount of information, "And what do these wee-zels do? Are they able to obey my amazing brain?"

"Insufficient data."

Zim growled in frustration "Rrr-fine! Make something up then!"

"Um," the computer stalled, "okay… The weasel is a distant cousin of the Moose, and lives deep under the earth. It lives off the fear of children, and has psychic powers."

"Success!" Zim shouted triumphantly, "Computer, tell me where I may find one of these creatures!"

"Uh, I don't know?" the computer whined, "The Zoo?"

"Yes…" Zim schemed, "Yes!"

In the living room, Gir stood dancing in a bowel of cookie dough. He hummed happily as Zim appeared in his hobo-costume. "Hi!" the robot waved excitedly.

"Enough playing, Gir" Zim snapped in annoyance, "Put your dog-beast costume on. We're going out- to the Zoo!"


	3. To capture a weezel

Zim marched towards the Zoo, dragging Gir by his leash. "Hurry up, Gir!" he snapped, "I can't capture a wee-zel with you napping on the job!"

Suddenly Zim stopped, Dib standing in the middle of the street. "I know you're up to something, Zim!" he accused, "I won't let you do- whatever it is you plan to do!"

"Ha!" Zim laughed, "You don't know what you're talking about filthy pig-Dib! I don't have time to stand here and listen to your stinky words from your brain filled with stink and goo."

"Teehee!" Gir giggled, "He's got a stinky-head!"

"Hey!" Dib shouted, "I do not have a head- well, yes I do, but- it's not huge!"

Zim gave a look of confusion, "I- didn't say your head was huge."

"You just did! Right then!"

"Nonsense!" Zim shouted, "Your head is filled with sawdust and dirt. You can't possibly outwit me, me who was chosen by the Ta- very important people!"

"But," Dib protested, "my head's not filled with dirt."

"You lie!" Zim shrieked as he ran past the baffled dirt-child.

"I'll stop you, Zim!" Dib shouted, ignoring Gir's outburst of 'No you won't!' as he shook his fist at the Irken, "I'll find out what you're doing and stop you!"

Zim's hideous laugh was the only thing that responded to his claim as the Invader ran off to the Zoo.

"That hideous Dib was up to something," Zim told Gir, "I just know it."

"No he wasn't," Gir said annoyingly, Zim glaring at his robot in agitation.

"Pay attention Gir! Now, I need you to use your AMAZING Irken technology to locate one of these wee-zels so-"

"Ooo!" Gir hooted, running towards a cage and dragging Zim behind him. The robot stood in front of a cage of monkeys, giggling mirthfully. Soon he broke into the monkey dance, stopping when Zim backhanded him from the cage.

"Don't jeopardize the mission, Gir!" he scolded, "find me a wee-zel. Do it NOW!" Zim demanded as the SIR unit stood watching him blankly.

"Look!" he shouted, "A weezley!" he ran towards a cage, where a large squirrel-like animal with a colossal head sat watching them.

"Perfect!" Zim shouted, "Take it now! Now Gir! Before we're spotted!"

Gir opened his mouth, a bright blue beam of light hitting the Wee-zel. The creature dissapeared with a scream of protest, leaving no trace behind.

"Run!" Zim shouted, "Quickly- back to the base!"

"Okey-dokey!" Gir shouted as he flipped Zim onto his back. Blue flames shot from the robot's feet, propelling them back towards the base.


End file.
